After 2010

My Baby Kovu. I still can't believe he left us on November 16th. Worse yet, He died in my lover's arms while we were rushing to get him help at the vet hospital. I still think about him and wish he could've stayed a bit longer. I wouldn't be doing so good if it weren't for my Boyfriend and most loving soul, Brett. I'd be doing so much worse if it weren't for him... But I know life goes on.. I'm just trying to figure out how to do that everyday. With my Dad dying, my dog dying... Life seems a bit hard to handle right now.

But I feel like my dad is watching me somehow.. He's giving messages to me letting me know he's keeping an eye out for me. So... With a simple R.I.P. Kovu, my Beloved Kovu.... I move on to say what's been going on in my life....


We've been doing our best to ensure that our pup Funji has been spoiled rotten... Trying to live without regret is hard. Poor thing didn't take it so well when she knew Kovu wasn't coming back. She hid under furniture, in the closet... And just started crying... Yes this is my dog we're talking about. Strange thing is, she stopped doing all of this, when we brought kovu's urn home... Animals are just like people believe it or not. I love her though. She's our little baby.


Still practicing poi. Especially LED poi... It's become an interest and passion of mine... I've never been so intrigued with such an art. I'm still learning though, and I'm not exactly good at it, but a lot of people say that it's a form of mobile meditation and can reduce stress. Not to mention is a great exercise! When you're experience a state of peace or feel like you're in tune with your self and are experiencing a sense of wonder while spinning poi, Some say this is YOU in the "FLOW" a state of flow, from what I've been told is where "you" ends, and that which is not "You" Begins.

It's an interesting concept. But it's one I like to follow. I'm currently writing more thoughts and feelings in my Book of Shadows/Flow journal.. I think it's helping me stay sane a little bit.. Though my boyfriend is helping me tremendously by being so supportive of me. I love him.. Still can't believe I have someone like him...




But I'm still dealing with inner demons... One's that just won't seem to go away with any type of meditation, calming music, or any type of healing structure.. I'm still bothered very much that I'm married to some immature disorganized child. I was made to believe that my surgery (gastric bypass) destroyed me mentally, and that's why I am the way I am. I was made to believe that everything is fine... and that I just need to seek marriage counseling or some sort of therapy BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM RIGHT!?!?!!!

WRONG! How could you be so sick and make someone believe that the help they were trying to seek, destroyed them? How on earth can you say? That when I was 275lbs. obese, that this surgery destroyed my mind, when it in fact made me lose an insane amount of weight, help me gain confidence... and finally let me come out of my shell and be who I want to be?!?!? HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!?!?! HOW!?!?!?!

I'll tell you why... Because my soon-to-be-ex Husband.... Was jealous.... was insecure... completely uninformed at how beautiful this medical procedure is. It gave me a brand new life... I can't say it gave me my life back, because I grew up fat, and felt I didn't have a life to begin with... Weight loss Surgery... made me turn from caterpillar to butterfly!

I think it's cruel of a human being to try and make someone think they are sick in the head with confusion. You made me believe that this chance that my parents gave me was false. But here is the truth, You're a liar, you're selfish and you care about nobody but yourself...

When I needed someone the most to comfort me to be there for me (WHEN I WAS THERE FOR YOU IN ALL YOUR UNSPEAKABLE SITUATIONS!) You weren't there for me! If you want to point fingers, point them at yourself, You were a terrible boyfriend, fiancee, and Husband.... I tried so hard to believe someone like you can change. You even promised me you would after all you put me through, and I believed you, But no.. You didn't change... You were a control freak.. Telling me I couldn't go to college... telling me I couldn't do this or that... What right do you have???

I saw your FB months ago.... "I'll celebrate with a glass of wine the day she ruins her tummy tuck."

"I heard something on the radio today and wanted to tell Darcy about it... Then I realized I was thinking about her, I couldn't help but cry."

So you can cry? You can actually produce tears? You're human? Who would've thought? And who would've thought you missed me? Why? If I'm so horrible? If I'm a C***, a Wh*re... Why miss me?? OH I see why... because you actually realize that I was a good person to you.. I cared for you and pampered you like a baby... because that's what you acted like! a baby!

"I'll stop treating you like a child when you stop acting like one." ~SB

Just FYI never tell a 23 year old woman that she is acting like a child... That was the last straw for me and what made me leave you upon everything else you did to me.

If only you could see me now... If only you could see the love of my life... Too bad you weren't mature enough to stay civil, you might've learned a thing or two from my boyfriend and how to act like a gentleman.

He knows how to treat a girl. Just saying.

So with all that being said... Even though I know you get $11,000.00 from your GI Bill, and I know you're a cheapskate and refuse to pay for divorce.. Don't worry.. I'll be the mature adult here... And when I get money from my tax return, I'll pay for the divorce, and I'll drop you like a bad habit and be free from you.